Isn't there a little Joker in all of us?

If you've followed my experiences on social media up till now, you've only seen what I wanted you to see. It's what we all do. Post the pictures where we look the most put together, the happiest. I came by it honestly, my mom would refuse to smile for that polaroid camera if she had rollers in her hair, bathrobe on and no make up. The I just woke up leave me alone face. I may or may not have snuck a couple of photos of her anyway. She can't ground me now. I'm sure my daughter has a stash of hidden videos and photos that she's snuck of me. I can't ground her now either! We're trapped in a world that is captivated by or rather, obsessed with perfection. What's considered beautiful or fashionable is in next months magazine or Instagram filtered photos. None of it's real. I loved the most recent post of Jennifer Aniston showing what she looked like before the cameras turned on. It was a tiny glimpse of reality and I loved it. But nothing I've watched portrayed today's society better than Joker. Joaquin Phoenix blew my mind. He embodied Arthur in a way I never thought possible. His reality is terrifying, unpredictable and honestly one of the most powerful things I've ever witnessed. All that raw, vulnerable, ugliness poured out before my eyes for complete judgement. I couldn't look away even if I wanted to. For the first time I felt there was something out there that really got it right. Not in the comic book correctness kind of way but the human way. The real truth of living in an ugly world and trying to pretend it's beautiful. The absolute magnificent feeling of looking around and finally seeing a world that you relate to. To be accepted for all your flaws, deviant behavior and warped personality.
I can't think of anything more beautiful than that.

So what didn't I show you? The part I was taught noone wanted to see or even worse, would make them reject me. It would take a book to explain all of it but for the purpose of this post I'll share a few things. The first memory that comes to mind is the moment I realized that Hydrocephalus was going to be the death of me. Quite literally. I was sitting in the passenger seat and my head suddenly felt like it was going to roll off my shoulders. Like a bobble head figurine of some sort. I had never experienced anything like it before or since. When I went to say something about it I couldn't speak. I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn't get my vocal cords to utter a word. No sound came out. I was for lack of better explanation, mute. There are no photos to reflect the utter terror I felt in that moment. Breathing soon became difficult as well. I remember trying to analyze myself, is this a panic attack? An allergic reaction to something? What is happening to me? The person driving made the executive decision to take me to the ER. Imagine that missed photo opportunity!? Watching the
DRs face as they come in after reviewing one of my CT scans has become an inside joke in my family. It's always the same. They come in looking skeptical of any real emergency, order CTs and afterwards come in with a whole different demeanor. This night in particular, it went the same but they added that I needed to go to Utah immediately. That was a plot twist I didn't see coming.